Sharon's Blog

I have two daughters, Kelly and Tammy. I love them both.

My older daughter,Tammy, has been lost to me for many years. This morning she called me. It’s the first time I’ve heard from her in (she said) eight years, but I believe it’s much longer.

Tammy lives in San Francisco and has been in and out of drug treatment for years. I don’t know what her drug status is, but I can guess that she’ll never get away from that lifestyle.

Her last call to me many years ago ended with her statement, “If you won’t give me the money, I’ll never speak to you again.”

Note: She had asked me to refinance my home and come up with (I believe it was) $80,000 to help her finance the purchase of a jewelry store where she worked. John and I are a team with four children between us. If the banks wouldn’t consider financing it, we sure couldn’t risk our home, especially when the place was paid off in preparation for retirement.

She was good to her word. I never heard from her. And when I tried the phone numbers I had for her, they weren’t working numbers. So we lost touch.

I hated losing her, but her drug habit had taken her from me long before that.

She called today. She sounds bitter and angry. I don’t know what I could have done differently. I didn’t choose her life-style.

She’s also mad at her sister, Kelly. Kelly has avoided Tammy because she has always been afraid that somehow Tammy would influence her sons. Kelly is totally afraid of her sister and her sister’s life. She has told me horror stories of Tammy’s treatment of her when they were young that explain and justify Kelly’s fear.

Tammy is now HIV positive.

We talked. I told her my mother had died a year and a half ago, but most of our conversation was empty and meaningless. I don’t want to lose more sleep over her life-style. I’m sure she’s homeless, but deep down I know that I can’t help her. When I sent her money before it went up her nose or in her veins. I was the perfect enabler because I loved her so much. Sensibly I must demonstrate tough love.

She’s now 49. She’s sick. She didn’t ask for anything, which is a first. Always before it came down to “Send me money..”

I’m still her mother, but I know there is nothing I can do to help her.

I’m sad.