Family Matters (“My New” Brother Jim)
It’s hard to know how to begin…
When I was four years old, I remember my mother having a baby, a boy. I was told that two days later he died. It was a “dark” time that I recall was filled with sadness and shrouded in gloom. It had to be winter, because I remember clearly that the apartment where we lived was cold. I was in the living room alone; Mom and Dad in the bedroom crying. I was told by Dad and Grandma Brophey that I should never mention the baby again because it would only hurt Mom, so I didn’t. Three years later, my brother Denny, was born. I don’t recall ever having mentioned our brother who had died.
My Dad passed away in 1986. Mom and Dad had been married about 47 years (a wonderful marriage).
In January 2005, my mother had developed very advanced alzheimers so I took over her affairs.
I became responsibility for Mom with power of attorney. I moved her to a lovely secure facility in Florida. I live in Michigan but until she passed away in September, 2008, I visit her about six months out of the year.
On March 20, 2005, after a month-long visit with Mom, I invited my Aunt Norma (Mom’s favorite and closest sister) to come over so I could fill her in on Mom’s condition.
I had access to all of Mom’s medical records. As part of her care, she had been evaluated by a psychiatrist. During that interview she told her doctor that she had three children: me (Sharon), my brother (Denny) and an adopted son (??). Since there have always been just my brother (Denny) and me, I attributed the comment about the “adopted” son as confusion caused by her dementia.
I told my aunt about what Mom had told the doctor. I just figured she’d confused the facts.
But Aunt Norma burst into tears and said she had to tell me something. The story unfolded.
The child who was born when I was four hadn’t died (in 1946). It was during the Second World War, and my dad had just returned from two years in the Marines. Mom had the baby six months after his return. The baby was over eight pounds, a full-term infant, so this child was clearly not my father’s. Dad gave my mother the option. She could either give the baby boy up for adoption, or he would divorce her and take me.
Mom gave the baby up. Grandma Clara Brophey, my great grandmother, a wonderful leading citizen in our community, arranged it all. (Note: When Grandma Brophey was quite old, she told me there was something I should ask Mom about because Mom had a secret I had a right to know, but Grandma B. died before I learned the truth.)
Aunt Norma couldn’t remember the date nor many of the details, but she knew it was in 1946 near either Thanksgiving or Christmas. She couldn’t remember the name of the family who had adopted him.
She’d promised my mother never to reveal the truth.
So why would Aunt Norma tell me after all this time?
The sermon topic at her church service that day was “You’ll know when it’s time.” It was talking about knowing when God is speaking to you and you should listen. When I presented the statements about my mother’s confusion regarding her “adopted” son, Aunt Norma felt it was “time” for me to know.
The evening of this revelation, I went to the internet and signed up for membership in a Yahoo email list for Michigan folks looking for a parent, child, or sibling who had been given up for adoption. (The list is called Michigan Searching.) I posted a message explaining that my half brother had been adopted, and that I had no idea how to start looking for him. I asked for help. I only knew that he’d been born in Midland, MI, in 1946.
A wonderful lady named Sandra who had grown up in Midland replied in answer to my Michigan Searching email posting. She’d been adopted as an infant and had used this internet resources to find her birth parents. She said she’d assist me.
She put me in touch with a friend of hers, Jennifer. Jennifer had been instrumental in helping Sandra find her birth parents. Jennifer is a volunteer public records researcher based in Wayne County and she facilitates reunions of this nature. Sandy was a godsend. She encouraged me and gave me lots of pointers.
I was fortunate because I knew that the baby had been adopted in Midland, I knew the approximate date, and I knew the original parents of record. I could even speak for my mother with her Power of Attorney.
My first stop was the archive of the Midland Daily News where I tried to find a public posting of a birth announcement. I failed, but I did find a mention of Baby Layman (my parents’ last name) in a Midland County births file, but no date. All I knew was the baby was born in 1946. (The listing was unlike any of the others .. an over-written, erased entry.)
About a week later, my Aunt Norma invited her older sister, my Aunt Hazel, to come to her house and asked me join them. Aunt Hazel was then 95 years old but she had known about the adoption. We talked at length. Aunt Hazel said she had known at one time who had adopted the baby, but over the years, she’d forgotten the name of the family. She said that memory was totally gone. At 95, I could certainly understand that.
But suddenly she said, “Bliss. The mother’s maiden name was Bliss. The family name was Hedelund.”
I wrote the name down. A few minutes later she’d again forgotten, but that one moment’s recollection was all it took.
I emailed Sandy’s friend, the records researcher, Jennifer. I explained that I had the adopted family name of my brother, and soon she got back to me with the other details of my brother’s birth.
His name is Jim Hedelund. He was born December 18, 1946. I understand his adoptive parents received him on Christmas Eve.
I had started my search March 20, 2005, I found him, March 29, 2005 (less than two weeks later).
But I need to tell you about the most bazaar connection. The totally wonderful person, Sandra, who directed my search and gave me so many pointers was talking on the phone to Jennifer when my email message came in announcing the family name. Sandra was flabbergasted.
Frances and William Hedelund (Jim’s parents) are her God Parents! That’s right! Jim’s adoptive parents are her God Parents! It’s not just remarkable — it’s destiny! The Supreme Being was calling the shots! Sandra knew Jim all along. They lived near each other. She had visited their home. Of all the folks who could have seen my email, Sandra was the ONE who responded.
I called Jim that night and talked with him and his wife (Louise) for over an hour. It was a wonderful experience. But I left the ball in his court. I knew I had barged in on his life. I couldn’t interfere if he wasn’t willing. I couldn’t bond if he wasn’t the one to decide it would happen.
At the end of the call, I told him I wouldn’t bother him again, but left it up to him to get back to me. That night, I also spoke at length with his wife, Louise, and she was so excited about us finding each other that I was sure she’d prompt him to get in touch with me.
That was March 29, 2005. It took until February 28, 2006, before he contacted me. I was in Florida (again caring for Mom).
Jim and I started with email contacts. By the end of March I was back home. Louise works for the optometric practice where my husband and I get our glasses/contacts so I had an excuse to “stop by.” After meeting Louise, it was an easy step to invite them over. On March 31st, 2006, I finally met my brother face to face.
I found that Jim had some major problems to deal with. In the year when I’d been waiting for him to get back to me, he’d lost his vision. He’s blind. He had to adjust and undergo several surgical procedures. I am so proud of his attitude. He handles everything so well. I would be over-whelmed but he has a sense of humor and a wonderful buoyancy.
Of course, my brother Denny has heard the whole story. He met Jim on August 14th, 2006.
It took from March 2005 until February 2006 for Jim to get back to me, but Louise said it’s also just the way he is… very slow and deliberate. He explained that he was having a hard time dealing with his loss of sight.
Louise and I are a lot a like. She’s exactly the kind of person I would select as a friend, not to mention a relative.
Just below this paragraph, there’s a link photos taken the first evening we met Jim on March 31, 2005, at our house. (Jim’s in the checked shirt, I’m in black, Louise in a rose top, and my husband (John) has on a green short sleeved top.)
On June 28, 2006, Jim, his wife, and two of his three children showed up for one of the Haithco concerts that my husband and I host. What an experience! He was in my audience. I introduced them. I was so proud. He’s MY FAMILY!
My new brother and his wife also came to Evart in 2006 and 2007 for our big music festival where I am workshop chairman. I can’t believe I’ve found such a great, compatible family.
And in August, 2006, Jim bravely brought his whole family to my mother’s family reunion. They were definitely accepted and immediately loved. They again came to the reunion in August, 2007 and 2008. And iin June, 2008, I attended his older daughter, Emily’s, wedding. She and Chris are now expecting Jim and Louise’s first grandchile.
Jim is very mobile with a super leader dog named Jake.
All those years, Jim and I lived in the same community, and in fact, we only live about 10 miles apart now.
I continued to go back and forth caring for my mother. Although over the years she slipped further and away, while she was still communicative, I told that I found her son and that he’s a great guy. She seemed to understand.
When she died on September 14, 2008, it was a peaceful passing. I brought her back to Michigan for her burial and Jim and Louise attended her funeral. It was the first time he’d met his mother. But although my mother is gone, Jim and I have a special friendship which I hope will continue for our lifetimes.
I love to share this beautiful story.
Thank you, God!