Please don’t think I’m “losing it” but most every night I share my thoughts with John. I often talk to him out loud. It calms me.

Maybe he can’t hear me, but I’d prefer to think he can. I love him so much. I didn’t know how much until I lost him.

I still think in the terms of the present. He’s here smiling at me every day, even if it’s from the frame of the photo on the table in front of me. I’m so glad I picked that photo. I tell him how “pretty” he is. (When I would say that to him, he’d say guys aren’t pretty. He was.)

Funny but I just had a strange sensation. I “felt” him next to me. I really thought I’d turn and see him. Of course it didn’t happen, but for a few seconds, I felt like he was in his regular spot at the other end of the couch. Sure would be nice if he was still here. I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to being alone.

I still say “our” house, car, plans. I still think in terms of “we,” and “us,” not I or me. Will it ever change?