Becca, my sweet, hard-working house cleaning person, finished up Wednesday. She’ll be back just before it starts being shown (July 9th) to make sure every little thing is polished and ready.

Now that we’ve finished, I’m anxious to leave. I find I just mess things up.

Wayne and Linda Conklin will be coming for a brief stay starting Monday. It’ll be nice to be able to visit them. They’ll distract me and maybe with their help we I can get a few more things ready.

One thing I hope to do is to take each packed bag or bin and list the important items in it so I’ll know if anything is missing when the van delivers my stuff in Florida.

It’ll take a while to re-organize everything but I hope to gain a little space. I decided to add my sharp knives to my packing list (since we don’t have many good ones at the condo), but at this point I can’t take the knife block they fit into. In fact it’ll be tough packing some remaining items on my list including two crushable hats, my Berkinstock sandals, very small cast iron frying pan, new stainless drinking glass, medicines, panties and a few freshly washed items, big pizza cutter, John’s photo, Cross pen with holder, three pair scissors, wine cork remover, two charging cords which are in use, my big, blue St Mary’s mug, and a zip lock bag of coffee.

I’m sure with some strategic packing methods, I’ll find a little room.

I’ve also called the heating company to have them work on the A/C because when it’s hot outside, it’s miserable on the second floor. That could be a real downer when the house is shown (and the temps are supposed to be really high next week). In fact I think I’ve decided to replace the A/C unit. It’s given us over 30 years of faithful service but it’s undersized for the house and it’s always hot on the second floor. It’ll be a $3,500+ expense but a hot house will be a negative while a new A/C will be a selling point.

Today was the Skaryd monthly dinner. They’ll hold one next month on July the 22nd so I can go. (Very thoughtful of them.)

After we had dinner, all of us went over to the property where John’s folks’ home used to be located. It was where John grew up. Each of John’s siblings (and the spouses who were there) sprinkled some of John’s ashes on the land. Then we went to the cemetery where his parents’ graves are located and did the “ash sprinkling” again.

John was such a wonderful guy and his family is also remarkable. I gave each family member something which had belonged to John.

To Barb, the upright bass; to Suzie, a 22 pistol; to David and Robert one for each of their grandfather’s large wagon wheels (he’d made them); and to Jerry, the hunting land plus John’s rifle in it’s case. I think everyone was satisfied. I feel I did what John would have liked.

I still haven’t figured out what I can do with some of the extra instruments we have accumulated but I’m working on it. I’m thinking the small harp may have to go with me to Florida and I’ll try to sell it down there.

Today I went to John’s nephew’s dental office to have my teeth cleaned. I said good-bye to those who have provided me with excellent dental care for years. It was sad getting hugs from everyone. After I left the dentist’s office, I sat in the car and cried.

I don’t know when or if I’ll ever be back to Michigan. I hate to think of losing those who were important to us in Michigan.

I will especially miss John’s brothers and sisters. They are my only “family” in this area, except for my brother Denny. And I wonder if I’ll ever see him again. (He doesn’t like to fly and won’t drive to Florida. Besides he lives in the U.P. most of the time.)

Sunday is one of the Skaryd sibling dinners. Will it be my last with them? I sure hope not. Maybe I can talk some to visit me in Florida.

Next week I will face the same thing I faced in the dental office with my beautician. I’ve used her services for probably 20 years! She’s a friend.

And there are all our music friends. Maybe I can make it back to Evart next year. I can’t look that far ahead.

It’s really hitting me. A lot of folks are special to me. Yes, I’ll have my wonderful Florida group, but I don’t want to lose the others.

I’m sure I’m going to have to come back next year to “visit.” I can’t just walk away from all these wonderful friends and relatives.

I lost John, but I’m realizing how I’m losing a lot more than just my wonderful husband. I am also leaving behind lots of great friends.

John and I had withdrawn from most friend contacts with others. He was just to sick to get out and about. Thank heavens our Florida friends saw what was happening and realized we didn’t have a choice. We were together 24/7. But in Michigan, we really didn’t have a chance to be close to folks after John’s retirement from being the chairman of the Michigan Dulcimer Festival. After I retired from workshops at Evart we were even more isolated. For several years we hung out with a group of folks who liked country music. It was fun and we tried to join them once or twice a week. But the last two years, John couldn’t dance so we didn’t go.

We did get to spend an evening every month we were in Michigan going to a Skaryd sibling dinner. I will miss Suzie & C.T., Barb & Norm, Jerry & Marie, Robert & Linda, and David & Yong.

I guess I just have to concentrate on Florida friends. And maybe I can talk folks into visiting me in Florida.

I hired Becca yesterday to help me get this place cleaned and in order. She’ll start Saturday. We’re going to clean and organize the hot tub room first. That’ll give us a place to use for a “staging area.” I’ll need to divide the items into three piles: (1) for the estate sale, (2) for pick-up by the moving company and (3) going on the plane.

I still need to take some (rolled) coins to the bank, take recyclable cans to the store, take some stuff to be donated, and drop off two instruments at a school. I also need to decide what to do with the stained glass clock. Do I UPS it or find a box and let the van take it?

Today I had my teeth cleaned, Sunday I’ll go to a monthly Skaryd family dinner, and next Tuesday I’ll have a beauty shop appointment. Seems strange but the dental cleaning and beauty shop visits will probably be the last times for those activities with these folks since I’ll be moving permanently in 33 days. (I hope the monthly dinner is held early in July.) I’ve gone to this beautician for many years and I love the way she cuts my hair. I’ve invited her to Florida but doubt that I’ll ever see her again.

After I left the dentist’s office, I sat in the car and cried. I hate to think of losing those who were important to us in Michigan. I will really miss John’s family. They are my only “family” in this area, except for my brother Denny. I even wonder if I’ll ever see him.

I hate all the work that’s staring me in the face. I have barely put a dent in it and time’s running out.

Today my sister-in-law Barb and her guy (Norm) are coming over to pick-up the upright bass. I need to ask them if they can transport the handmade wheels which are being used as decoration in front of our house for brothers Robert and David.

I hope the great room is done when they get here. I’ll relocate all the stuff to be shipped by the mover to the hot tub room. (I now call it the staging area). At least it’ll look better and be easier to clean around. Next the dining room will need to be finished. Master bedroom is messy but once the bins which are to be shipped go to the staging area it’ll be better.

Tomorrow I’ll go to my lawyer’s office. I’ll also drop off John’s prescription meds for disposal, and see about shredding some old tax records. (Maybe at my lawyer’s office.)

I wish I could get to the point where I can relax. I’ve had months and months of stress. I feel exhausted each day before doing anything. I don’t have a choice. In two weeks the Conklins will arrive and stay a few days. In three weeks the house must be available to be shown. THREE WEEKS!! DOESN’T SOUND POSSIBLE!

My only hope is to find a cleaning company or person to come in and clean away all the dirt and dust. Then the clutter will be easier to manage. It needs to be done before the 9th of July.

I leave for Florida in 36 days. Coincidentally it was 36 days ago that John died. The time has gone past in a blur but it also seems like it’s been dragging since I’m anxious to move past this period when everything is upheaval and head south to tranquillity.

When I get to the condo, my work won’t be finished. I want to immediately find someone to build storage in the office/former utility room area so I’ll have some place to hide the stuff I’m bringing and stuff that I want to store away. Everything needs to be organized. The garage has too much in it. A lot can be donated or sold but a lot can be put in the new closets/cupboards/pantries. It may take months but baby steps should do it. (And each day, I plan to take a break and go to the pool or to exercise.)

If I don’t let it get ahead of me, I can probably keep it up. I may need a cleaning person, but if so, I’ll hire help. I don’t want to live in confusion and chaos. Leaving our home every few months was a recipe for the mind-boggling problem we created.

I wish near the end John had taken more time for enjoyment. I know he wasn’t up to doing much, but the fun in our lives had stopped. I need to have it resume.

I thought I had everything figured out but I believe I’ll do things a little differently.

I listed two stained glass items: a clock and a lamp. Both are hard to pack safely so I’m thinking about taking them to UPS to have them wrap and ship them.

I just want it to be over! I want to be in Florida. I’m ready to start the next phase of my life.

Everything here in my Michigan home reflects on the past and although my time with John provides great memories, I realize that in order to be content with the remainder of my life I have to look forward.

I know it’s only been a month but I’ve been totally alone with my grief. I don’t want to stay here and let it bog me down. I want to be with friends, I want to meet new friends (especially other widows). Maybe I’ll do some volunteer work and I want to accomplish some things John and I planned to do to our Florida condo.

The sooner I leave this place, the sooner I can break the hold of encompassing sadness. Sure I’ll still have an empty spot that will never be filled, but I don’t want this shroud to become my way of life. I’ve been experiencing 24/7 isolation and I’m ready to go to the next phase.

I want to be with people, with sunshine, and I won’t mind the heat that goes with it. (Every morning is chilly here and we’ve had lots of overcast days.) I will still be grieving, but I’ll have more tools to deal with it. I’ve had solo time long enough. 32 days of total isolation is ENOUGH!

Almost all of my clothes are packed or ready to go in a bin or suitcase. I figured out how to take four framed pictures/art pieces south. (I’ll take them to Coopers Frame Shop and have the glass replaced with acrylic so I don’t have to worry as much about breakage.) I found a box to hold a lamp. I still need to find a way to box up a stained glass clock and a glass globe. The harp will be covered with a sleeping bag or quilt.

I finally got around to reading the “cause of death” on the death certificate. It says: 1. Acute Respiratory Failure (one hour); 2. Extensive Pulmonary Fibrosis (many years); Chronic Hypoxia (many years).

Respiratory failure means that you don’t have enough oxygen in your blood. This is ultimately fatal unless treated. Pulmonary fibrosis destroys the lungs ability to function. Chronic hypoxia is the lack of oxygen.

He died of oxygen starvation. So sad!

So many things going on. Signed contract to have an estate sale on August 4th and 5th. Their workers will help me pack up/sort through stuff July 16-18. The dates are firmly set. I have to be out of the house by July 23rd. I have a flight out of Saginaw early (6:00 a.m.) on the 23rd. I will get a ride to the airport from a shuttle service (already booked to be picked up at 4:30 a.m.) Tomorrow I’ll arrange for my ride from Tampa International to Sun City Center. I should arrive before noon which means I should be home at my condo by about 1:30 p.m. on Monday, July 23rd.

Only problem is the cost of shipping my items by moving van. In the end I found a van line which will transport all my stuff for $1,491.67. Quite a difference from the original $4,200-$4,800 estimate. It pays to shop around!!

Ron Ringenback and John were super close. Ron volunteered to pick me up about noon on the 23rd. He wanted to do it for John so I agreed. Ron’s a super nice guy!

I have to keep the weight of my shipment below 2,000 pounds. I have a lot of rules to follow: bubble wrap for glass items, TV boxes for a TV set, and other rules. I’ll try to comply. I need to figure it all out. But I did enough today. I’m tired.

Today, in addition to working out the van deal, I drove to St. Charles to get a new title for the Malibu and then I went to Chase Bank to drop off the key to the safety deposit box. I ended up at the Moose for walleye. Not as good as I’d hoped but I had to have a Moose fish dinner.

I am totally overwhelmed by what needs to be done. I think the first thing is to load two suitcases to haul clothes and stuff back to Florida on the plane. (I’ll try everything on first and make sure I can wear them.) I also need to figure out how to pack the stuff for van shipment. It’ll take some planning, but I can handle it over the next 45 days.

I need to get things organized but if I concentrate it should work.

Why am I forgetting stuff?

I’ve had so much on my mind that what I did the first week or so after I lost John is a blurr. I should have written down more.

Example: I notified our health insurances or did I? (As it turned out I notified some but the vision and dental plans were difficult and after being bumped around, I gave up. Finally yesterday I successfully finished.)

I keep adding to the stuff I want to take south. Once items are gone, I won’t be able to get them back. I will pay a price to haul them south, but it still might be better than being sorry. If I end up not using them, I can always get rid of them in Florida.

An example is the small computer stand in my dining room here.

When I get to Florida, I want to have cabinets/closets built into what I have considered my “office” and maybe add a pretty curio cabinet in the dining room. I don’t know exactly when or what things will happen. I may need to relocate the printer which is currently in the dining room. The little stand that I’m using now is perfect for the printer. It could fit in the dining room, kitchen (where John’s oxygen used to fit), or one of the bedrooms. It would be a shame to leave it here then struggle to find a cabinet for the printer.

I have also decided to take my sewing machine and its cabinet. The one I currently have in Florida was my mom’s and I can’t figure out how it works.

For nearly 20 years I have owned/moderated a phenominal email list called the “harplist.” It’s an active community of harp players/lovers.

One of the members sent me this prayer.

When you lose someone you love,
Your life becomes strange,
The ground beneath you becomes fragile,
Your thoughts make your eyes unsure;
And some dead echo drags your voice down
Where words have no confidence
Your heart has grown heavy with loss;
And though this loss has wounded others too,
No one knows what has been taken from you
When the silence of absence deepens.

Flickers of guilt kindle regret
For all that was left unsaid or undone.

There are days when you wake up happy;
Again inside the fullness of life,
Until the moment breaks
And you are thrown back
Onto the black tide of loss.
Days when you have your heart back,
You are able to function well
Until in the middle of work or encounter,
Suddenly with no warning,
You are ambushed by grief.

It becomes hard to trust yourself.
All you can depend on now is that
Sorrow will remain faithful to itself.
More than you, it knows its way
And will find the right time
To pull and pull the rope of grief
Until that coiled hill of tears
Has reduced to its last drop.

Gradually, you will learn acquaintance
With the invisible form of your departed;
And when the work of grief is done,
The wound of loss will heal
And you will have learned
To wean your eyes
From that gap in the air
And be able to enter the hearth
In your soul where your loved one
Has awaited your return
All the time.

I know I have a lot to do. I should be bustling around working hard but instead I’m sitting here, feeling lazy.

I vow that the minimum I’ll complete today will be to get the dining room organized. I also need to work on the bedroom.

I’m kind of lost until I’m told (Thursday) how to get stuff ready to head south. Will they provide boxes? How will the boxes get to Florida? What about the harp? I’d also like the headboard and the walnut coffee table that is upstairs. How much will this cost?

Today I’d like to deposit the $12,225 from the sale of the truck and RV to my savings account. I suppose I could wait but it’ll get me moving.

I could do some laundry. The washing machine will do all the work, but I’ll feel like I’m accomplishing something. I also need to clean the oven, but when I do that, I don’t want to be breathing in the fumes. I need to be able to open up the house.

Maybe I should get started.

Early this morning, an RV repair guy (Andy from Black Bear RV) came to help me get the slide on the RV to work so I could sell it. I told him I wasn’t interested in making big bucks, but I need to get rid of it. I also showed him the truck and he ended up buying BOTH!

I sold them both for a total of $12,250! I’m satisfied. John had said he’d give the RV with the truck. And the Kelly Blue Book price for the truck was less than the price I got for both so it was a good deal for him and a decent deal for me.