After John died, I got down here in July 2018.

One of my plans was to organize the master room closet but somehow I just took John’s stuff out and never really got it arranged.

And now I’ve gotten heavier! A lot of the clothes I wore will never fit me again and I’m also getting older so my style has changed. I can’t imagine I’ll ever wear all the crocheted sweaters I’ve collected. It’s time to purge.

So I’ve started the job.

I’ve made piles in my bedroom: nearly new, toss out, wash, hang up. I’m moving some to the guest room closet. Let’s face it, I may never need a winter coat, but in case I need to fly back to Michigan for a funeral I’ll need to have one available. I have lots of new comfy robes for the different Florida seasons. I need to eliminate all the old ratty ones.

I’ve been working on the closet project for several days. My back limits the time I can be on my feet but little by little I’m seeing improvement.

I’m concerned that the stuff to be donated may not be accepted because of the Covid virus. I could just dump the stuff but some of it is stuff I just purchased but it didn’t fit when I got it. It’s brand new!

I know that this declutter mood is prompted because I know my life is winding down. Even if I’m fortunate, I probably won’t live another 15 years. I’m pushing 80. Fifteen years was just a blink ago. It feels like I’ve wasted the past six months. Damn Covid-19!!!

I have some questions: How many robes do I need? (Especially when it’s cool here, I put on a robe early.) Should I save Mom’s once-valuable fur? Should I save some of my cutest outfits that are too snug now? (I do want to lose weight.) If I have enough cute tops for a different one every day all year, is that excessive? If I haven’t worn something and I’ve had it a couple years, is it time to chuck it? Party dresses are sort of a waste of space since I doubt that we’ll ever need party attire again.

I also need to get rid of stuff stored in the bins in the storage room. If I haven’t opened a bin in two years, chances are I’ll never want any of it and it’s not fair to Kelly to think she’ll use it.

My tchotchkes (pronounced chochkeys) keep multiplying. I have too many small trinkets and vowed I wouldn’t have any. My dining room’s corner shelf unit needs to be cleaned off (eliminated). I hate little nick-nacks.

My friend, Linda, will be staying here. At this point the guest room closet is overfilled. Hopefully I can weed things out so there’ll be room for her stuff. At least it’s motivation.

Linda Conklin has been my best friend for many years. I’ve never “crowded” her but we have always been there for each other.

Her husband (and my good friend), Wayne, died May 25th. I thought she’d decided to stay here. I knew she was considering moving to Mexico or to Michigan, but I hoped she’d realize that I need her and so do others. (She’s very active at the Emergency Squad.) But Thursday, just a three days ago, she let me know she will put her place up for sale NEXT WEEK. She’s already contracted a condo in Midland, Michigan.

I think she was keeping it from me so I wouldn’t try to change her mind.

Actually I understand her reasoning and support her.

While she’s moving, she’ll be staying with me. I’m glad to be able to be with her.

Kings Point is a place of constant change.

Here in KP, friends come and go. I’m slow to get close to people, and it seems that there’s no security in the friendships you make here. Age with the deaths that are inevitable is one of the biggest reasons, and after deaths, the remaining spouse often moves closer to family.

In addition to losing John, I remember losing Bob Taylor, Jay, Mel, Helen (next door), Bob who brought me gardenias, Wayne Conklin, Joe Cronin, and others.

And the Covid-19 virus is changing people’s plans. Lots of friends are selling their places and moving elsewhere. John and Brenda have their place up for sale, and the most recent loss is Linda Conklin. She told me today that she’s selling her place. I am feeling the loss of friendships.

I am afraid of the election outcome in November.

It doesn’t help that Sun City Center is overwhelmingly supportive of the candidate I feel is destroying this country. All over town you see yard signs for him. I fear that there may be too many to allow for the change I feel we need.

But then I think about how memories and feelings work. I’m hoping that maybe things will turn out ok after all.

My reasoning:

If you go through a lovely period or event in your life, the component parts (smells, sounds, etc.) stay with you. For me, when I smell Juicy Fruit gum or hear a particular melody, I’m taken back to a period in my past. If it’s a good period, it brings pleasure. If it was a bad time, the subsequent feelings stay with those reminders.

This year has been lousy for everyone. Won’t we all always associate the things that made up this year with the negative life we’ve lead? If it works that way, our current administration is part of that negativity and his election will fail. There will be change.

The year 2020 will go down in history as THE WORST! Hopefully when we get through it, life will return to the pleasant state it was before Covid-19.

But deep inside, I know since I’m already 78, even if I stay healthy, I won’t live long enough to erase the negative impact of this virus.

I’ve lost track of most of my friends. A lot of us hide-out (stay sheltered) to avoid the killer bug. All the fun stuff here in my lovely Kings Point Florida community has come to a screeching halt. Many friends who have homes elsewhere are deciding to stay up north. And Canadian friends are forbidden to cross the border by vehicle. The housing market is changing daily as folks put their places up for sale. I know I’ll never see some friends again. They were folks who were important in my life.

I used to plan for parties and dances. Not any more. I may never dance again nor stand close to a gentleman. Social distancing of six feet is the way of life.

Because I have nothing else to do, I’ve shopped online a lot. Now I have some new clothes, but there’s nowhere to wear them and since I’ve chubby-ed up considerably, a lot doesn’t fit or doesn’t flatter my filled-out body.

I bought a new digital camera, but I haven’t felt like taking photos. Nothing seems like an activity/event I want to capture. I don’t think I want to remember this period.

I find myself anticipating on-line gatherings and dressing up for them.

Today’s activity is a management-offered free concert watched from my golf cart. (But I can’t bring wine to enjoy.)

Pool time must be scheduled in advance. Masks are worn everywhere.

And there’s the HEAT! It’s been soooo hot (record highs) that even the pool isn’t refreshing and golf cart travel is almost unbearable. 95+ most days with high humidity. I could take it, if I could go shopping or visit friends but walking outside is like a blast furnace and there’s nowhere to go, so I stay home.

The only good thing that’s happened are on-line concerts presented Wednesday nights by Jay Ungar and Molly Mason. I love those times that are of comfort.

Normal life is non-existent. I still love my condo (thank heavens), but I’ve actually worn out my couch where I sit most of the time.

My smartest purchase ever was buying Sophie. She’s saved my sanity.

I try to remember how it was, but it’s difficult to put the current situation out of my mind.

And there’s our current president. I can’t help but feel he’s a big share of the problem. No, he didn’t cause the Covid-19 virus, but his reaction made it worse. There’s a very negative feel to the political climate. I fear that he may be re-elected in November, and if he isn’t, it’s probable that he’ll create problems.

I’d scream and pound the walls, but it wouldn’t help. Nothing will help until we get the virus under control.

And then there’ll be the rebuilding of confidence and the confidence of our nation. We’ll need to reacquaint ourselves with what it feels like to be free of this threat.

Last night I had a nightmare:

In it Sophie had disappeared. She was “shopping” with me and then she was lost. (We were in a big city at the time.) I kept calling “Sophie.” I was frantic.

John was also in the dream and I was sure he’d help me find her but I woke up before we recovered her.

Usually I forget dreams as soon as I wake up but not this time. I still have that scared feeling. I’m holding Sophie tight and loving her. What would I do without her?